Donald Trump and Family Attended Russian Ballet! by Robert Gore

Breaking News from CRBS!

Ashley Angleton, anchorperson: President Donald Trump and his entire extended family attended a performance of the Russian ballet, The Nutcracker, December 21, 2015. Russia’s Bolshoi Ballet troupe performed at New York’s Lincoln Center.

Joe Scabrous, anchorperson: You touched on it, Ashley, but I think it’s important to note right here that the ballet was composed by a Russian, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky—you can tell he’s Russian by his name—and performed by an all-Russian cast. The Nutcracker and The 1812 Overture are this Thaikovsky’s two most famous works. The 1812 Overture commemorates the War of 1812, and we know that a nutcracker cracks nuts, slang for testicles. So his most famous works pay tribute to Russian propensities for depraved sexual violence and war.

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