On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.
“The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open,” explained Sanders. “I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn’t just some kind of wonderful dream!”
In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, “Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they’re doing wrong.”
Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he’s farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.