Analogy: UN Today Compared with Britain in 1775

by Glen C. Davis
Pennsylvania Bureau

TRENTON, N.J.—Official loyalist sources released news, today, that United Nations Peacekeepers stationed in Trenton, New Jersey were slaughtered in an attack by Tea Party terrorists who apparently crossed the Delaware river by night. Early reports indicate 22 of the Peacekeepers were killed and 98 wounded. The brave Colonel Johann Rall may have been wounded in the attack. It is said that the terrorist group was led by George Washington who calls himself a “General.” The Federal Emergency Management Agency has warned local constables against this wanted terrorist, as well as Thomas Jefferson and Paul Revere. 
Authorities are currently seeking silversmith Paul Revere for requestioning.
Revere was stopped some months ago by our loyal English troops and questioned, but was released due to lack of evidence. It is suspected that he was trying to spark attacks against our troops. He is being sought for questioning again since terrorist attacks seem to have increased after his ride that night. 

Thomas Jefferson, another suspected Tea Party terrorists puts forth the ridiculous notion that the government is trying to shut down newspapers unfriendly to the current administration with the Stop Newspaper Piracy Act (SNEPA). The act by the administration simply protects Copyright laws. Some papers have printed Copyrighted drawings without payment costing millions in revenues. This act would allow the administration to kill such non-loyalist publications violating Copyrighted material from around the world. Misusing quotes from Copyrighted articles could cause a paper to be shut down if used in such a way as to libel the administration. Department of Homeland Security and Federal Emergency Management Agency sources tell us, exclusively, that they suspect that Jefferson may have much to do with a Tea Party Terrorist manifesto issued earlier this year.

The manifesto reads in part, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, —That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.—Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States.”

The government issued a statement that it was, “…ridiculous to think that people could possibly govern themselves. After all, rule by one master has worked for years and there is no reason to change. Serfs should just do what they are told.”

This attack may be in response to one of their paranoid claims that, “He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.”

The Department of Homeland Security issued a warning document scorning the Tea Party terrorist manifesto which includes a list of complaints such as, “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.” This may be reference to States passing their own immigration laws such as S.B. 1070 which is being questioned in court by our great Justice Department. The Justice Department believes that laws such as these might interfere with deals they have made with Mexico, but details on these deals are sketchy. 

“He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures,” is another complaint. This is an apparent reference to the allegations on the method used to ensure the passage of the Patient’s Affordable Health Care Act. 

“He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.” This could be a reference to the number of important agencies that form our government, such as the National Parks Service and National Forest Service. Their main complaint seems to be against the Environmental Protection Agency which is trying to assist the world in stopping the devastating effects of global warming. They have complained about FEMA collecting stores of food and weapons from people who were hording after hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans for the safety of everyone.

Fears of our armed forces are expressed in the complaints that, “He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures,” and “He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.” The terrorists have spread rumors about the recent passage of S. 1867 which allows the military to round up anyone who would work against them.

They complain about “…cutting off our Trade…” between the States under their authority given by the Interstate Commerce Clause.

Tea Party terrorist James Otis wrote, “A man’s house is his castle; and whilst he is quiet, he is as well guarded as a prince in his castle. This writ, if it should be declared legal, would totally annihilate this privilege. Custom-house officers may enter our houses when they please; we are commanded to permit their entry. Their menial servants may enter, may break locks, bars, and everything in their way; and whether they break through malice or revenge, no man, no court may inquire.”

“This writ,…” is the Stamp Act which is part of an effort by the government to raise funds necessary to attack other nations for our security and safety. It simply requires a stamp of the crown be obtained on every purchase so that the government can maintain a list of metals and valuables so that they can tax each year depending on the value.

“If you are not doing anything illegal,” DHS officials responded, “What are you worried about?”

The Tea Party terrorist militias have been attacking our brave English forces who are here to keep the colonies safe from invasion. This attack on United Nations Peacekeepers occurred after their peaceful winter holiday celebration. The massacre represents the most successful act of terrorism by the group since the printing of their manifesto.